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How was I going to maintain a happy relationship when I'm hell bent on giving myself nothing but punishment?It's so sad that I let someone break me like this. Causing my life to turn upside down and make me hate life as well as myself. I can't even believe in myself anymore. I've lost the desire to create and bring laughter to others. I can't bring myself to want anything, to hope or even love.I don't deserve love anyway, not even love for myself. I did a horrible thing to someone else and deserve to suffer for it. Coincidentally, I've found a perfect way to do that. Sexual humiliation has become something I am rather good at taking and being used has taken over any of my previous sexual preferences.Finding the men is easy enough, especially when I tell them that I don't care who they are - something that seems mutual to most men nowadays. I don't think I've even asked their names the past few times. Thankfully, they don't mind that.Sometimes there are handsome ones who come along. In my head I thought, ‘but with all the pain of loving and losing.’ I turned away and walked quickly back to my office, shut the door and lost it. I buried my head on my desk and sobbed. Stupid fucking old man, I thought, but I couldn’t stop crying. Somehow I made it through the afternoon, and my wife and I went to the concert. The inside of the church had been done in fake Italian renaissance, modeled on the del Gesù in Rome, the little booklet in the front door rack said. Big murals featuring St. Christopher (even though he had been cut from the team), a few virgin martyrs, and St. Francis of Assisi with a few animals in the backfield. And enough aerial perspective to make Leonardo wince. Still, it beat being outside, where the snow was falling, or at home, where I’d taken over cooking dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking that night. So I paid the twenty bucks for two senior citizens (the one good thing about growing old is I’m a cheap date) and eyeballed the program. Italian.
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